In the Case of Terrible Fanfiction
by blueflie
Summary: In which Ichigo searches for the meaning of the universe, a battle is fought, and the Lord is displeased.
1. the reader encounters the protagonist

**A/N**: If you're not a total Bleachtard, you probably wouldn't get it. Don't take it seriously. Rated T for terrible. And some crude language.

* * *

1. _in which things are pondered, and hurtful words are spoken_

* * *

Ichigo pondered the meaning of the universe.

He decided to name his inner Hollow Hichigo, because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. He told Chad. Chad grunted.

Orihime found a glass of milk on the sidewalk next to her apartment. "Fight me, motherfucker," she said to it.

"I accept."

They fought. Orihime realized that she had cussed, and immediately wondered about the smell of paprika.

Ichigo realized that he too sometimes thought about the smell of paprika, among other things, such as the meaning of the universe and the dichotomy between good and evil. He wondered if perhaps the rain in his heart was a bit melodramatic. He realized that he was in love, for the color of Hichigo was too the color of milk.

He wondered if it was too late to change Hichigo's name. Chad silently disagreed. Ishida sniffed a dead bird.

Orihime was defeated, and got on a plane to Cuba. Chad became jealous. The milk became spoiled, and was no longer the same color as Hichigo. Ichigo decided that it would be a good time to change Hichigo's name. Chad still disagreed.


	2. the reader's heart strings are pulled at

2. _in which sexuality is questioned, and the Lord is displeased_

* * *

Renji wondered about his sexuality.

"Taichou, I am about to make a sexual innuendo."

Byakuya wondered about Renji's sexuality. He was proud. He called Renji gay.

Rukia was appalled at such crude language. Soifon preferred the term 'alternative lifestyle'. Ishida pointed out that 'homosexual' was more politically correct. He then purchased a bear, even though it displeased the Lord. Ichigo thought about the universe. Orihime didn't know what gay meant.

They celebrated.


	3. the reader is relieved, suspense built

3. _in which the wrath of God is not felt, except in the case that it is._

* * *

Orihime ate a prune. Ichigo confessed his love.

They watched a movie that implied heterosexual sex indicative of a non-sexually deviant lifestyle which pleased the Lord. They were not smitten by the Almighty.

Ishida wrote a haiku. However, it received negative critical attention for Ishida had displeased the Lord. He returned his bear to the wilderness, where it conceived twins and proceeded to eat its young upon birth. He realized that the bear was a boy.


	4. the reader disagrees with dramatic irony

4._ in which discoveries are made, and an African child is saddened._

* * *

"I have discovered what gay means."

The announcement was made quite suddenly, though in an element that Ichigo later identified as possible dramatic irony, one who had carefully studied Orihime's face throughout the celebration and the subsequent days would realize that the voluptuous young girl had been deliberating over the affair for many hours.

"I have been deliberating over this affair for many hours."

She then realized that she was voluptuous, and blushed. She stuttered "_Kurosaki-kun_" twice for good measure. Then she tried to say motherfucker but was suddenly hit in the head with a dead bird.

She realized that the world did not want her. She began to cry.

Ichigo thought about his toes.

In a moment of lucidity through the black tears of a fallen angel she had cried as she cursed the sorrow that flowed through her veins. Orihime realized again that today was a day of many epiphanies.

She voiced her discoveries to Ichigo.

Ichigo wondered what would happen if his toes were swapped with his fingers overnight. He congratulated Orihime. Shinigami appeared from a sphere of time-space where the force of evil itself reaped the benefits of Canadian health care and all lamentations cried into the impenitent wind were for naught.

Celebratory music began to play, and Ichigo realized that his earlier thesis of dramatic irony was incorrect. Orihime looked to her left.

"Upon further contemplation, I have decided to drink this glass of milk as an act of protest."

She drank the glass of milk.

Somewhere in rural Mozambique, a small child began to cry.


	5. the reader discovers plot holes

5. _in which lifestyles are forsaken, and tears are wept._

* * *

Rukia decided not to be upstaged by Ichigo. She proposed to Renji. He made a sexual innuendo, and Byakuya reminded him of his questionable sexuality.

Renji was reminded. He was caught in a moment of time, where one moment and one breath of a word could change his entire future. His life flashed before his eyes in a brilliant firework of exquisite color. He realized that making a life-altering decision in one breath of a word was not probable. He then remembered he was already dead.

"I have decided to give up on my convoluted, sexually deviant ways, for I do not wish to further displease the Lord."

Byakuya was no longer proud. "I do not know what convoluted means," he said, to mask the heartbreaking disappointment that was slowly leaking into his face from the fine cracks in his soul. He also did not know what convoluted meant.

Renji realized that he didn't either.

They both wept, for the dawn of the ages was among them and the wrath of God could not be satiated with offerings of goat blood and ceremonial dances.

Rukia reminded them that they were already in the afterlife and the metaphysical could not be argued for it was no longer of relevance. She remembered the Soul King, and did not weep.


	6. the reader is disappointed, and leaves

6. _in which conclusions are drawn, and bewilderment runs rampant.

* * *

_

"And then I woke up."

"What the _fuck_, Isane."

* * *

A/N: Sometimes I wonder about myself.


End file.
